A Long December

 

It's been a long December and there's reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass    -Counting Crows

It's been a pretty rough semester here in my teaching world.  Lots of change, which is hard for me.  Lots of loss close to me, and close to those around me. Friends moving, changing career directions, and just being taken too soon (Ron- you are missed), dear friends experiencing loss- it's just been a lot.  

 

To paraphrase the song posted above-  "It's been a long December semester."

It hasn't all been bad.  There have been good things, too.  It's fun to watch your kid grow into a mostly functional, fairly independent human.   Things in our church life are very good, and I still have very good, supportive friends at work and in my career. 

But it's been a long semester.   I guess I said that, already.  

 

In one of those moments of loss this semester, I was honored to be asked to conduct a memorial service for a very, very dear friend's father recently.  I wanted a poem for the service, and I couldn't find one. So, I did what I often do, and started writing. The poem was written for that service, and it was intended for that family.  However- there is also no denying that it's a poem that came from my own experiences with loss.  

 

It's definitely about the loss of a father.  But the strange thing is that it is more than that.  I lost a close musical friend 3 years ago.  I hear his playing and voice in my own performance sometimes.  I lost a good friend and assistant coach to cancer 3 years ago.  I hear him come out of my mouth when I talk to kids sometimes.  I lost another assistant coach to life change this year- and I hear his voice when I'm coaching.  And- no doubt, I absolutely hear and see my father in myself. 

All the time. 

We really are a summation of all that we encounter and everyone we know.  

"It's been a long December, and there's reason to believe - maybe this year will be better than the last."

I hope so. 

Here is the poem:  

Ever Present

 I see you

 Working on some broken thing

 Unrepairable to my eye, but  not to yours.

 Stubborn, determined, and grumbling under your breath

 As I hold the light

 

I hear you

Telling me what will happen

Half-listening, I nod- and you know me

Stubborn, reckless,  and doing it my own way

I repeat age old mistakes

 

I  feel you

I turn and there you are

Your presence tangible and not

Stubborn, though gone, you don’t leave

Though confused, I embrace it

 

I hear you

 As I speak to my children

 Telling them what will happen

 Stubborn, recklessly doing it their way

 Your words and voice from my lips

 Praying they don’t repeat the same old mistakes

 

I see you

In the mirror, staring back at me

In my walk, and expression, and very gestures

While I work on some irreparably broken thing

Stubborn, determined, and present

You have inhabited parts of me

 

So, maybe the Old Man’s words were true

“No one you truly love is ever really lost”

Because in your absence

You are still here